it felt so good.

i so just stepped out of my comfort zone and posted with boldness on my blog for my writing class this semester. something that 17 other people will see. 17 other people that He loves. i’m not going to pretend to be something else on that blog. i’m being me - the new natali. bold and confident in Him. the natali who is giving her life away in love and devotion to the One who first loved her. the natali who wants them to know so badly what she does, that He is jealous for them. therefore, i posted this.

i’m not here to write senseless things. i’m about my Father’s business. in public and behind closed doors.

in case you can't hear me screaming a happy scream from north carolina...

this day is monumental. not because i didn’t know it would happen, but because it’s official to the world. it was already official to me and to God. :))
i am an official MAPS (Missions Abroad Placement Service) volunteer.
i am going to Mali, West Africa in january for a year.
it is official.
and i am oh so happy. yes!!

i am hosea's wife. yet You are still for me. it's beautiful and i must tell them.

ready for Mali to know this. but i know there’s a reason i must wait until january. i don’t know that reason, but i pray that He works in their lives and hearts now to prepare them. please, Lord. let them be open. Holy Spirit, move and work in their lives to show He is alive. i pray, Lord, that they will one day see You are what they have searched for all their days. and that they’re going to hold fast to You no matter what.

You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. You could just be silent, and leave us here to die. still, You sent Your Son for us. You are on our side. —bethany dillon

me, myself and i. i am hosea’s wife. i am Your bride who ran to others instead of fixing my eyes on You. the very thought of You still claiming me… it’s beautiful.

You are for me. You are for Mali. i must tell them.

like a fire shut up in my bones, i want the world to know that You’re God. with a passion burning deep within i want the world to know that You live. — planet shakers

that fire isn’t going anywhere, so i must do something about it. i want to set the world on fire for You. use my life, please.

a prayer request

will you guys please pray that my little kitty daughter, nastia joy, comes home very soon? she's been missing for six days. and i miss her :(

sorry :)

I'm soooo sorry I haven't written anything in a while. I am super busy with school just beginning yesterday, and I already have bunches of assignments and reading. Hopefully I'll post something in the next few days. I miss blogging.

okay, so i wrote this in august, but i'll post it anyways, because it's still me.

sometimes i still cannot believe i am so blessed and that He has opened the door to missions like i always silently hoped for. even though it scared the heebie jeebies out of me to think of stepping out of my comfort zone when i was younger (and still does at times), i am so glad i made the decision to trust Him this past february. i cannot imagine my life any other way than truly living for Him and doing what He planned for me to do, what He birthed in my heart and soul, before i was even thought of. sometimes i just want to pinch myself, and i'm scared if i do that i'll wake up and realize this was all just a beautiful dream and all of it will be snatched away. i think i'm beginning to realize it is reality and that i really am moving to Mali in just 4 short months and 21 days.

and then sometimes i can't believe i'm finally going to be on my own. not from Him, but from everyone else i've ever known. but i also love that. to be honest with you, it also hurts. i just sat here and cried. but i know that even though i'm leaving the ones i love behind, God will give me new friends and a family. i've been away at college, but came home every weekend and a lot during the summers (i even lived with my parents this summer). i'm really close to family and friends. it's just the unknown i think that hurts the most. i want more than anything to be bold for Him. that's my prayer. i've changed at lot since february, but i know He's not finished with me yet.

tomorrow marks my last first day of college. ever.

Day Is Dimming - Brooke Fraser

i apologize for not having really "blogged" in the past few days. i promise i haven't left it forever. i'm just taking this time to revel in who He is and His love. i promise if you listen to this song, it'll say everything i would say if i had done a formal post. :)

guess who got their passport today?! meeeeEEE!!!!

Love Break Me - my heart's cry

this so captures all that is going on within me right now. all my thoughts. my desires. it’s everything i want. i want Your will to be done, not mine. i’m giving all of me. every little piece that i’ve tried to hide. and i know this is where i need to be. broken and beautiful, helpless and full of hope all at the same time. i’m asking for You to take over me completely. i can’t do this, but You can. this cup i hold out is empty. fill it with You.

come break me now. here my plea.

i gather my insufficiences and place them in Your hands. -- relient k

memorial box monday - He grants the exact desires of my heart.

my memorial box bulletin board

for those of you who may not know what a memorial box is, linny explains it well when she described it on her blog (she began memorial box monday) :

"In Joshua 4 Almighty God tells the Israelites to collect stones and set them as a Memorial to remind them of God's power and provision. He then tells the Israelites to use those stones as a memorial; that everytime they see them to tell their children and their children's children the stories over and over again, continually reminding them of God's faithfulness."

-- Linny's blog A Place Called Simplicity

we so often forget what God has done for us in the past, and when a storm comes our way we tend to question God and wonder if He is still there or He will show up. having this memorial hanging on my wall of all the ways He has shown up before - never leaving me nor forsaking me - keeps a constant "HE IS SOOOO FAITHFUL" reminder in my head. it's such a joy to look back and see what He has brought you through before, and be able to tell yourself He was there then and He's the same God now!

this memorial box monday is so fresh! it happened just last night, but i have to back the story up just a few months for you guys to see just how special it is.

in april i became really distraught one night over moving to mali next year. doubt and fear were attacking me from every side like i'd never experienced before. i was literally bawling and holding my sister, saying "i dont' think i can do this". so i emailed and talked with a sweet bloggy friend who i knew could strengthen me by pointing to Him and praying with me. i wanted great advice and i got it. that sweet friend suggested i read a few missionary biographies or diaries. i wanted to really bad, but wasn't sure where to find one.

so i let the thought slide and eventually a couple of months go by and i google missionary biographies. so i did, and i found gladys aylward, a single woman missionary to China who preached the gospel, became a Chinese citizen and took in abadoned children on the streets (200 in total), and fell in love with her story. i had even put one of her quotes,"... if God has called you to China or any other place and you are sure in your own heart, let nothing deter you... remember it is God who has called you and it is the same as when He called Moses or Samuel", as the opening quote for my video for my homechurch that i'm going to show for support and make them aware of what i will be doing next year.

after i googled her and read a little about her in a description on a website, i was enthralled and really wanted to read a book all about a missionary. i've even youtubed missionary testimonies over and over again, just because i am able to soak up how they follow Him no matter the cost and their amazing stories of how God made it happen for them personally.

well, yesterday as i was waiting for church to begin last night someone came up to me and asked me if i liked to read. of course i said yes! (i'm an english-creative writing-literature-major) he then went on to say he had a couple of books and they were missionary biographies. and what do you know He starts describing the first book - a single woman missionary jumped over hurdle after hurdle to get to China. do i even have to tell you guys her name?? :))

some may say, "that is so little, who cares?!", BUT it isn't a little thing. God worked behind the scenes to bring me the exact book of gladys aylward. the woman who i was in wonder by her life and how He worked in it. if God cares about getting me that exact missionary biography, then how much more does He care about the big things?! people, God is so awesome. i desired in my heart to read about a missionary. He didn't have to grant me that desire, but He did. and how awesome for Him to give me the exact missionaries story- out of thousands of missionary biographies probably available - that i really fell in love with. i cannot wait until wednesday when the person is going to bring the books to me. oh! did i forget to tell you he has even more books ( and the second one was about a single woman missionary to West Africa - that one made me say "HOW FAITHUFL!!!! again!). gladys aylward was the first one he mentioned to me. :)

God is sooooo faithful!!

"You light up the sky to show me You are with me. no, no i can't deny You are right there with me. You've opened my heart so i can see You all around me." -- the afters.

why won't you listen to Me part 1

I'm going through some things right now that really show me just how much peace I have in resting in His arms. I'd rather not discuss the specific things openly, but i do want to share just how wonderful He is. i want to be open and honest, since it is my blog, but for certain reasons i'm keeping this situation private. real faith is living the same way you would if you felt His loving arms around you that exact moment, as if you were on the mountain top even though you are walking through the valley. you have to have endurance, and i am really finding my endurance to be recharged daily in Him.

there are things and situations in life that can bring you down - deep, deep down to the bottom of the ocean if you let them. the key being IF you let them. you don't have to let things get you down. instead, you can turn your eyes back on Him and continue to trust, knowing that He was persecuted and you will be also. they hated Him, so how much more will they hate you if you follow Him with your whole heart?

i always questioned before whether or not there was real persecution for everyone who followed Him in this day and age. it may not be from armies against you, but it can feel like an army. the ones you love the most will betray you. they are not perfect, and perhaps they are hurting deep inside. hurting because things are difficult for them. because they don't know Him and His perfect love and peace yet as you do. because they want it but have no idea how to find it. it's like a small diamond stuck in a thousand pebbles by the shore. they know there is something somewhere that they're missing, but everything seems to look the same. money is fufilling - for a while. then you're not happy. and all these other things are fullfilling for a season as well, but then you find yourself stuck in the same rut you were before - bitterness and sadness overtake you because you can't seem to find that perfect thing that will never leave you nor forsake you. that "Thing" that will always be there to comfort you and lead you.

right now i have an immense sadness for the lost. for those who persecute and have no idea they need Him. who keep searching for that treasured diamond among the pebbles. i wonder if they will ever find it. i'm brokenhearted. i have the something they want. i believe that causes the persecution. i'm happy and strong in the Lord and they just see a happy person (not realizing exactly what it is that makes me so happy) and it bothers them that someone else has joy when they don't.
i want so badly to show them the Diamond, but it's hard. it's hard to show them when they won't listen once i begin speaking about It to them. it's hard because i love these people and don't want them to suffer. i so badly want them to have the Answer and never have to search again. it breaks me to the core, because i realize this is God's heart for all of us. He knows the answer and He tries so hard to show it to us, but just as soon He does we turn away. i'm going to read hosea again. perhaps i'll continue this post tomorrow. it seems unfinished, but i can't finish it right now. i need to soak myself in His word, immerse every thought in it.

John Waller, "Faith is Living"

my new favorite song. :)

West Africa Cardboard Testimonies

I am a disciple of Jesus

Michael W. Smith - A New Hallelujah (Featuring The African Children's Ch...

praying for Mali tonight. i cannot wait until they have a new hallelujah :))

i so just had moment-where-i-saw-myself in bamako. and i loved it.

He delights in me

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

there is nothing like knowing just how great His love for me is. joy deep, deep down within is rooted in it and gives me strength to face anything - for He is on my side and good. so, so good. beyond my wildest imagination. He is there and will never leave. ever. even when the storms of this life are at their peak, i can be at peace inside, for i know who He is. and that means more to me than anything else. He will never leave me nor decide i'm not worth whispering His grace and mercy to. with Him i can face anything. and i do mean anything. for He is with me...

i'm laying all of me on the altar. even the part of me who planned to live within a 5 mile radius of family. gosh, this hurts.

10 MercyMe - Wont You Be My Love (The Generous Mr. Lovewel Album) New So...

we were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves? -- switchfoot.

we need to wake up and see our God-given potential. we should not be listening to the world and what they say is possible. listen to Him and who He says you are. He has given you the right to stand and declare His name as your shield and strength. why are you still holding onto the comforts of worthless things? you should go forth in the name of the Lord Almighty and do the work.

sweet, dark faces. home. and fully living.

so i started writing this post like a week and a half ago. i could never finish it, until now.
by the way, don't you just love this sweet little face?


the children of africa are a big part of my heart. without a doubt i know they will always be. from the time i first remember God whispering "Africa" to me i've seen their faces. i distinctly remember just the children. i ran from it and then when i came back it was through the children, through my eyes opening up to adoption, and that i will one day take some of these little ones into my arms as mommy. the time i cried out to God for Him to reveal to me His will through my dreams that one night, He did, and the picture i saw was of myself surrounded by smiling dark little faces. this coming year i will be ministering specifically to the children of Mali some of the time. i don't know what all of that entails yet, only time will tell. but one thing i do know is that i am oh so ready. so ready to just sit there in the dirt with them and love them like Jesus does. i have a special thing in my heart for the street kids of Mali. not sure why. but then i still have this overwhelming desire to just love every single kid. orphan, non-orphan. because they all need Jesus. they need to see first hand what His love is. if the ones proclaiming His name and love don't show them that love, then how will they understand?


i want you guys to understand me completely. i have a burden for all the lost people of Mali, old and young alike, but what burns within me are those little faces. i want to give them an inheritance they may never receive from their birth parents. if no one else shares with them who He is, i want to be that person who opens their heart and gives them a part of it in the process. i don't want to just let my words be words and not show them what that love of Jesus is. that kanuya Jesus has for them goes beyond boundaries and the outside appearance. how it isn't held back because of anything they do.

i want to hold them and play games with them. if i'm true with myself and you guys, there will be kids in Mali whose parents or society disapproves of their newfound faith in Jesus. i want to be that supporter, that encourager. i want to share with them all He is. i want them to have that backbone of philippians 4:13. i want so badly for them to know that love and forgiveness. i want them to know the promise they always have of His love and arms that will wrap around them.


right now i have this vision of children in Mali coming to know Jesus and bringing their families to know Him as well. at this moment it hurts. it hurts not to be there with them, knowing that they must wait another 161 days to learn of Jesus. it hurts that i'm not there to hug and kiss them. to hug my beloved HIV + babies. i cannot wait to be auntie natali to those sweet little faces. to kiss them and sit there just to let them know they are special. i know some day that i will be mama to some of them. just as much as there is this special place in my heart for the street kids of Mali, the HIV+ kiddos are there too. i don't know what this means yet, but one thing i do know is that He who began a good work in me will continue it (philippians 1:8).


i know there are people around me who don't get it. they just don't. the love i have for these "untouchable" children just doesn't make sense to them. it's hard to describe this love within me. i so badly want them to understand, so i'm praying for God to make it clear to them why i'm choosing to move next year and make my home in bamako. i want them to know the force that propels me. the peace i have just in knowing i'm leaving here. it's not that America is necessarily bad, but i know it's not where i'm supposed to be. America is my comfort zone. Mali is God taking me out of my comfort zone and into the life He has planted in my heart, thoughts and dreams ever since i was a little girl. Mali is home for the next year at least. there is no other way i can explain it. my heart is there already.


i see myself now. just me, a single young woman loving on the kiddos of Mali. and it makes my heart smile. i cannot wait to wrap my arms around dozens of His special children, look into their precious dark eyes and tell them Yesu loves you. you, exactly the way you are. dirt, disease, and all. He made you and has a soft spot in His heart for you. not only are you loved by Him, but by myself also. because i know of Jesus and the love He has for you, that makes me love you. and one day i can explain that to my children, but that day will have to wait i suppose. until then, this girl will have a heart so big for all the children of Mali. and i don't mind if they call me mommy. i will gladly call them son or daughter. in a way i would rather just give my heart away than keep it for a select few. numbers are meaningless figures. if i have two kids or two hundred, it doesn't matter to me. i've always seen myself with a boat load of kids, except there for a few odd years where i only wanted three. go figure that. haha. the way i see it, God has taken me in, a gentile, and loved me so much. He has adopted me into His family. He has an unlimited number of children, so why should i limit mine? if a kid needs someone to love them who am i to turn them away? the more little faces thatlight up when they hear of His love the better. kids of my heart they will be.

i found myself looking through my african trunk today at the kids clothes i have collected from the clearance rack at target. i have an "ark" for my future kids. and then i have a special spot in there for kids clothes i'm bringing along next year to Mali. it's mostly pants and shorts. 9 months to 5T. 99 cents or $1 or so each. i counted the pieces - 25. it hit me that those pants, shorts, and a couple of shirts will touch twenty five children. twenty five little people who God loves sooo much that He sent His Son to die for them. twenty five sweet, dark faces that i will kiss. twenty five little dirt-stained feet that have walked farther on the road barefoot than i probably will in my lifetime. geezzz. i wish i had room for shoes in my luggage. perhaps that's a project for the future.


my bloggie friend, stephanie, so totally blessed my socks off when she replied to me on twitter a couple of days ago, "Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you tonight. :) Hope you're having a good week. love in Him."

it's been a difficult few days the past week or so, especially the past couple of days. i've felt numb. my sister, one of my best friends and myself have been moving into an apartment together since monday. school begins the 24th - my last semester ever of undergraduate studies. i'll graduate in december. all of that doesn't phase me. there is so much going on right now that i almost feel as if i shouldn't let myself go there. that there is no reason to attach myself to that apartment, to just float through. it will be easier that way. less goodbyes. but i want to let myself go there. i want to thoroughly enjoy my last 5 months in america with two of my most favorite people in an apartment. i know i need to. but it hurts. it hurts getting attached. i've realized something the past few days. i've pulled myself away from things recently. i've already attempted to prepare for saying goodbye. i've become homesick before i've even left, and this is where it stops. i'm worrying too much about having to say goodbye that i don't let myself fully engage in everything. i'm letting go of that and giving it to God. if i don't it will be even harder trying to say goodbye, knowing that i somewhat ignored those who matter the most to me. for those of you who may read this, i'm sorry. i didn't want to ignore you or not get involved. i just wanted to do this goodbye thing the easiest way possible. and i see that that isn't that way, but by giving myself away and loving you now. by spending my time wisely with you and keep making memories. by leaving that numb feeling behind and embracing the next 5 months i have with you. this journey is hard. and i hope you'll forgive me. the day for goodbyes will come, but until then i'm going to live.

so, stephanie, you had no idea why you were praying for me, but He did :)) and thank you soooo much, sweet friend. when you think no one knows exactly how you feel (for i've never seen a what-to-expect-before-leaving-for-the-mission-field-emotions-thoughts-actions-preparations book) He does. and always will. His Son left the comforts of heaven to come down to earth and live among humans. to save us. to redeem us. to comfort us.

so i said all that to say this - i feel this overwhelming burden to minister to the souls of Mali's children. who knows, God may work through the children of Mali as a witness to their parents. with everything i am i believe God is sending me to Mali to these children for such a time as this. whatever children i end up working with next year, i know i will be doing what God has been showing me. and i couldn't be happier. i'm comin' kids, i'm comin'!




** kanuya - bambara word for love