sweet, dark faces. home. and fully living.

so i started writing this post like a week and a half ago. i could never finish it, until now.
by the way, don't you just love this sweet little face?


the children of africa are a big part of my heart. without a doubt i know they will always be. from the time i first remember God whispering "Africa" to me i've seen their faces. i distinctly remember just the children. i ran from it and then when i came back it was through the children, through my eyes opening up to adoption, and that i will one day take some of these little ones into my arms as mommy. the time i cried out to God for Him to reveal to me His will through my dreams that one night, He did, and the picture i saw was of myself surrounded by smiling dark little faces. this coming year i will be ministering specifically to the children of Mali some of the time. i don't know what all of that entails yet, only time will tell. but one thing i do know is that i am oh so ready. so ready to just sit there in the dirt with them and love them like Jesus does. i have a special thing in my heart for the street kids of Mali. not sure why. but then i still have this overwhelming desire to just love every single kid. orphan, non-orphan. because they all need Jesus. they need to see first hand what His love is. if the ones proclaiming His name and love don't show them that love, then how will they understand?


i want you guys to understand me completely. i have a burden for all the lost people of Mali, old and young alike, but what burns within me are those little faces. i want to give them an inheritance they may never receive from their birth parents. if no one else shares with them who He is, i want to be that person who opens their heart and gives them a part of it in the process. i don't want to just let my words be words and not show them what that love of Jesus is. that kanuya Jesus has for them goes beyond boundaries and the outside appearance. how it isn't held back because of anything they do.

i want to hold them and play games with them. if i'm true with myself and you guys, there will be kids in Mali whose parents or society disapproves of their newfound faith in Jesus. i want to be that supporter, that encourager. i want to share with them all He is. i want them to have that backbone of philippians 4:13. i want so badly for them to know that love and forgiveness. i want them to know the promise they always have of His love and arms that will wrap around them.


right now i have this vision of children in Mali coming to know Jesus and bringing their families to know Him as well. at this moment it hurts. it hurts not to be there with them, knowing that they must wait another 161 days to learn of Jesus. it hurts that i'm not there to hug and kiss them. to hug my beloved HIV + babies. i cannot wait to be auntie natali to those sweet little faces. to kiss them and sit there just to let them know they are special. i know some day that i will be mama to some of them. just as much as there is this special place in my heart for the street kids of Mali, the HIV+ kiddos are there too. i don't know what this means yet, but one thing i do know is that He who began a good work in me will continue it (philippians 1:8).


i know there are people around me who don't get it. they just don't. the love i have for these "untouchable" children just doesn't make sense to them. it's hard to describe this love within me. i so badly want them to understand, so i'm praying for God to make it clear to them why i'm choosing to move next year and make my home in bamako. i want them to know the force that propels me. the peace i have just in knowing i'm leaving here. it's not that America is necessarily bad, but i know it's not where i'm supposed to be. America is my comfort zone. Mali is God taking me out of my comfort zone and into the life He has planted in my heart, thoughts and dreams ever since i was a little girl. Mali is home for the next year at least. there is no other way i can explain it. my heart is there already.


i see myself now. just me, a single young woman loving on the kiddos of Mali. and it makes my heart smile. i cannot wait to wrap my arms around dozens of His special children, look into their precious dark eyes and tell them Yesu loves you. you, exactly the way you are. dirt, disease, and all. He made you and has a soft spot in His heart for you. not only are you loved by Him, but by myself also. because i know of Jesus and the love He has for you, that makes me love you. and one day i can explain that to my children, but that day will have to wait i suppose. until then, this girl will have a heart so big for all the children of Mali. and i don't mind if they call me mommy. i will gladly call them son or daughter. in a way i would rather just give my heart away than keep it for a select few. numbers are meaningless figures. if i have two kids or two hundred, it doesn't matter to me. i've always seen myself with a boat load of kids, except there for a few odd years where i only wanted three. go figure that. haha. the way i see it, God has taken me in, a gentile, and loved me so much. He has adopted me into His family. He has an unlimited number of children, so why should i limit mine? if a kid needs someone to love them who am i to turn them away? the more little faces thatlight up when they hear of His love the better. kids of my heart they will be.

i found myself looking through my african trunk today at the kids clothes i have collected from the clearance rack at target. i have an "ark" for my future kids. and then i have a special spot in there for kids clothes i'm bringing along next year to Mali. it's mostly pants and shorts. 9 months to 5T. 99 cents or $1 or so each. i counted the pieces - 25. it hit me that those pants, shorts, and a couple of shirts will touch twenty five children. twenty five little people who God loves sooo much that He sent His Son to die for them. twenty five sweet, dark faces that i will kiss. twenty five little dirt-stained feet that have walked farther on the road barefoot than i probably will in my lifetime. geezzz. i wish i had room for shoes in my luggage. perhaps that's a project for the future.


my bloggie friend, stephanie, so totally blessed my socks off when she replied to me on twitter a couple of days ago, "Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you tonight. :) Hope you're having a good week. love in Him."

it's been a difficult few days the past week or so, especially the past couple of days. i've felt numb. my sister, one of my best friends and myself have been moving into an apartment together since monday. school begins the 24th - my last semester ever of undergraduate studies. i'll graduate in december. all of that doesn't phase me. there is so much going on right now that i almost feel as if i shouldn't let myself go there. that there is no reason to attach myself to that apartment, to just float through. it will be easier that way. less goodbyes. but i want to let myself go there. i want to thoroughly enjoy my last 5 months in america with two of my most favorite people in an apartment. i know i need to. but it hurts. it hurts getting attached. i've realized something the past few days. i've pulled myself away from things recently. i've already attempted to prepare for saying goodbye. i've become homesick before i've even left, and this is where it stops. i'm worrying too much about having to say goodbye that i don't let myself fully engage in everything. i'm letting go of that and giving it to God. if i don't it will be even harder trying to say goodbye, knowing that i somewhat ignored those who matter the most to me. for those of you who may read this, i'm sorry. i didn't want to ignore you or not get involved. i just wanted to do this goodbye thing the easiest way possible. and i see that that isn't that way, but by giving myself away and loving you now. by spending my time wisely with you and keep making memories. by leaving that numb feeling behind and embracing the next 5 months i have with you. this journey is hard. and i hope you'll forgive me. the day for goodbyes will come, but until then i'm going to live.

so, stephanie, you had no idea why you were praying for me, but He did :)) and thank you soooo much, sweet friend. when you think no one knows exactly how you feel (for i've never seen a what-to-expect-before-leaving-for-the-mission-field-emotions-thoughts-actions-preparations book) He does. and always will. His Son left the comforts of heaven to come down to earth and live among humans. to save us. to redeem us. to comfort us.

so i said all that to say this - i feel this overwhelming burden to minister to the souls of Mali's children. who knows, God may work through the children of Mali as a witness to their parents. with everything i am i believe God is sending me to Mali to these children for such a time as this. whatever children i end up working with next year, i know i will be doing what God has been showing me. and i couldn't be happier. i'm comin' kids, i'm comin'!




** kanuya - bambara word for love